How To Help Your Country (Stay In Bed!)

Some days suck. Scratched the car? Missed a deadline? Had a pointless row with your girlfriend? The world would be a better place if you had just stayed in bed,...

Some days suck.

Scratched the car? Missed a deadline? Had a pointless row with your girlfriend? The world would be a better place if you had just stayed in bed, right?

That, my friend, is nothing! This is a (Brit-heavy) list of people who showed us all how to fail in style. Should they've had a duvet day? That depends on whether you share our British fetish for failure... So, grab a cuppa, arrange your stiff upper lip and get stuck in:

Number 10: Prince Philip and some old-school racism

Philip of the Princely Gaffe kicks off the list with an infamous comment to a group of British students studying in China: "if you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed". All in favour of Prince Philip taking a day off next time he's feeling foolish, step forward. (Unless of course, you're in a wheelchair in which case watch out because, as Philip warns, people might "trip over you"). Still love 'im tho'.

Number 9: Paul Robinson- Goal!

Own goals: you're not just hindering your team, you're actively harming its success. If Paul Robinson, the England football team's goalie in the Euro 2008 qualifiers, had not gone into work then someone less implausibly uncoordinated would have been in goal. And England wouldn't have lost to Croatia (Croatia!), and failed to qualify for the competition. Technically, it wasn't Paul's 'own goal', it was Gary Neville's… but he still gets the majority of the numpty points. Watch it- it's just ridiculous and, like a true Englishman, he quite rightly blames the grass for his mistake:

Number 8: Gerald Ratner's "Total Crap"

Ratner was the Chief Exec. of Ratners Group- a major British jewellery company that nearly went bust after Ratner made a speech at the Institute of Director's in 1991. He described how, when asked how Ratners could afford their low prices, he would often reply, "because it's total crap". The comment was reported and the company's profits plummeted- and the phrase 'Doing a Ratner' was coined.

Turns out we Brits don't like to be told we're buying crap, even if we are.

Number 7: Kaiser Wilhelm II- "You English are mad, mad, mad as March hares"

In 1908, Wilhelm gave an interview to The Daily Telegraph to bolster the Anglo-German relationship. During it, he managed to insult the British, annoy the French, irritate the Russians and threaten the Japanese. Those four countries were all on the opposite side to the Germans in World War I. Sure, there were lots of other (more important) origins of the war, but there would have been one less if Kaiser Bill had sneaked a cheeky lie-in that fateful day.

We may be mad as March hares, but in this case, the tortoise didn't win the race.

Number 6: Lucan and The Charge Of The Light Brigade

A tragic but infamously heroic military mistake that resulted in the death of 118 soldiers. In 1854, during the Crimean War, The Light Brigade was given the order to "advance rapidly to the front, follow the enemy, and try to prevent the enemy carrying away the guns". The order was misunderstood and the Brigade charged the wrong section of the Russian army:

"Forward, the Light Brigade!

Was there a man dismay'd?

Not tho' the soldier knew

Some one had blunder'd."

A blunder indeed: the Light Brigade was basically charging into a heavily armoured 3-sided trap. To this day, the blame for this miscommunication is debated, but Lucan is the forerunner and received a lot of stick for following instructions that made no sense. Maybe a better rested Lieutenant-General wouldn't have ordered his men "Into the valley of Death".

Number 5: Angus Deayton

Angus was ripped to shreds on the show Have I Got News For You, after the news broke that he cheated on his pregnant girlfriend by having prolific drug-fuelled sex with prostitutes. After the story broke, Deayton soon lost his job with the BBC and was made a national mockery of on HIGNFY. The episode below has gone down in history; I certainly wouldn't have got out of bed to host it:

I can't work out who is the most British of the bunch: Hislop with his rigourously stringent moral disapproval, Merton with his merciless mocking or Deayton with his lordly philandering.

Number 4: Max Mosley

Oh dear, oh dear. More blunders of a sexual nature- this one's even more outrageous than Deayton's. Mr Mosley is/was the boss of Formula One's governing body and is/was a British hero because of it. He's in court at the moment for allegations of anti-Semitism after he was exposed having a Nazi-style orgy with five prostitutes. And guess what. His father was Sir Oswald, leader of the British Union of Fascists and a friend of Adolf Hitler.

Really now Mr Mosely, can you think of anything more inappropriate?

Number 3: Nelson and his star-studded coat.

Our great British hero was shot by a French sniper after striding boldly onto deck in his naval coat, a garment plastered with medals and, apparently, very easy to spot. He was advised to remove the medals or the coat beforehand, but thought the risk of being shot was worth the benefit of rallying his troops with the impressive regalia. Courageous to the point of stupidity I'm afraid. Still...we won.

Number 2: Mystery bungler loses data records for 25m people

This was pretty damn stupid. Britain's biggest data security breach was caused by a 20-something junior who put 2 unencrypted CDs containing the country's entire child benefit records in the post. It went missing and still hasn't been found. Can I hear a d'oh! An excellent example of when staying in bed would have saved the entire country a whole heap of hassle.

Number 1: Bill Clinton- "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"

Apparently, it wasn't the 'affair' that annoyed everyone, it was the bit where he took time out of his busy day serving the people of America… to lie to them. What on earth induced him to get out of bed that morning and lie to 300,000,000 people- maybe he'd used up all his duvet days already (*lewd wink*).

(I realise there are countless jokes about how Bill should have got out of bed instead of staying in it- feel free to run with that).

So there we have it. I didn't want to award the number one FAIL slot to a non-Brit, but getting impeached for lying to 300 million people you've sworn to serve about a sordid affair with an intern is really very hard to beat.

Some days suck. Scratched the car? Missed a deadline? Had a pointless row with your girlfriend? The world would be a better place if you had just stayed in bed,...

Some days suck.

Scratched the car? Missed a deadline? Had a pointless row with your girlfriend? The world would be a better place if you had just stayed in bed, right?

That, my friend, is nothing! This is a (Brit-heavy) list of people who showed us all how to fail in style. Should they've had a duvet day? That depends on whether you share our British fetish for failure... So, grab a cuppa, arrange your stiff upper lip and get stuck in:

Number 10: Prince Philip and some old-school racism

Philip of the Princely Gaffe kicks off the list with an infamous comment to a group of British students studying in China: "if you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed". All in favour of Prince Philip taking a day off next time he's feeling foolish, step forward. (Unless of course, you're in a wheelchair in which case watch out because, as Philip warns, people might "trip over you"). Still love 'im tho'.

Number 9: Paul Robinson- Goal!

Own goals: you're not just hindering your team, you're actively harming its success. If Paul Robinson, the England football team's goalie in the Euro 2008 qualifiers, had not gone into work then someone less implausibly uncoordinated would have been in goal. And England wouldn't have lost to Croatia (Croatia!), and failed to qualify for the competition. Technically, it wasn't Paul's 'own goal', it was Gary Neville's… but he still gets the majority of the numpty points. Watch it- it's just ridiculous and, like a true Englishman, he quite rightly blames the grass for his mistake:

Number 8: Gerald Ratner's "Total Crap"

Ratner was the Chief Exec. of Ratners Group- a major British jewellery company that nearly went bust after Ratner made a speech at the Institute of Director's in 1991. He described how, when asked how Ratners could afford their low prices, he would often reply, "because it's total crap". The comment was reported and the company's profits plummeted- and the phrase 'Doing a Ratner' was coined.

Turns out we Brits don't like to be told we're buying crap, even if we are.

Number 7: Kaiser Wilhelm II- "You English are mad, mad, mad as March hares"

In 1908, Wilhelm gave an interview to The Daily Telegraph to bolster the Anglo-German relationship. During it, he managed to insult the British, annoy the French, irritate the Russians and threaten the Japanese. Those four countries were all on the opposite side to the Germans in World War I. Sure, there were lots of other (more important) origins of the war, but there would have been one less if Kaiser Bill had sneaked a cheeky lie-in that fateful day.

We may be mad as March hares, but in this case, the tortoise didn't win the race.

Number 6: Lucan and The Charge Of The Light Brigade

A tragic but infamously heroic military mistake that resulted in the death of 118 soldiers. In 1854, during the Crimean War, The Light Brigade was given the order to "advance rapidly to the front, follow the enemy, and try to prevent the enemy carrying away the guns". The order was misunderstood and the Brigade charged the wrong section of the Russian army:

"Forward, the Light Brigade!

Was there a man dismay'd?

Not tho' the soldier knew

Some one had blunder'd."

A blunder indeed: the Light Brigade was basically charging into a heavily armoured 3-sided trap. To this day, the blame for this miscommunication is debated, but Lucan is the forerunner and received a lot of stick for following instructions that made no sense. Maybe a better rested Lieutenant-General wouldn't have ordered his men "Into the valley of Death".

Number 5: Angus Deayton

Angus was ripped to shreds on the show Have I Got News For You, after the news broke that he cheated on his pregnant girlfriend by having prolific drug-fuelled sex with prostitutes. After the story broke, Deayton soon lost his job with the BBC and was made a national mockery of on HIGNFY. The episode below has gone down in history; I certainly wouldn't have got out of bed to host it:

I can't work out who is the most British of the bunch: Hislop with his rigourously stringent moral disapproval, Merton with his merciless mocking or Deayton with his lordly philandering.

Number 4: Max Mosley

Oh dear, oh dear. More blunders of a sexual nature- this one's even more outrageous than Deayton's. Mr Mosley is/was the boss of Formula One's governing body and is/was a British hero because of it. He's in court at the moment for allegations of anti-Semitism after he was exposed having a Nazi-style orgy with five prostitutes. And guess what. His father was Sir Oswald, leader of the British Union of Fascists and a friend of Adolf Hitler.

Really now Mr Mosely, can you think of anything more inappropriate?

Number 3: Nelson and his star-studded coat.

Our great British hero was shot by a French sniper after striding boldly onto deck in his naval coat, a garment plastered with medals and, apparently, very easy to spot. He was advised to remove the medals or the coat beforehand, but thought the risk of being shot was worth the benefit of rallying his troops with the impressive regalia. Courageous to the point of stupidity I'm afraid. Still...we won.

Number 2: Mystery bungler loses data records for 25m people

This was pretty damn stupid. Britain's biggest data security breach was caused by a 20-something junior who put 2 unencrypted CDs containing the country's entire child benefit records in the post. It went missing and still hasn't been found. Can I hear a d'oh! An excellent example of when staying in bed would have saved the entire country a whole heap of hassle.

Number 1: Bill Clinton- "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"

Apparently, it wasn't the 'affair' that annoyed everyone, it was the bit where he took time out of his busy day serving the people of America… to lie to them. What on earth induced him to get out of bed that morning and lie to 300,000,000 people- maybe he'd used up all his duvet days already (*lewd wink*).

(I realise there are countless jokes about how Bill should have got out of bed instead of staying in it- feel free to run with that).

So there we have it. I didn't want to award the number one FAIL slot to a non-Brit, but getting impeached for lying to 300 million people you've sworn to serve about a sordid affair with an intern is really very hard to beat.